12. Make Eye Contact and Small Talk
This is not just polite. It is part of being a citizen and a responsible member of society. It is also a way to stay in touch with your surroundings, break down social barriers, and understand whom you should and should not trust. If we enter a culture of denunciation, you will want to know the psychological landscape of your daily life.
-Timothy Snyder, On Tyranny
Connecting with Neighbors
Shammai is not often our advisor, but he teaches:
שַׁמַּאי אוֹמֵר, וֶהֱוֵי מְקַבֵּל אֶת כָּל הָאָדָם בְּסֵבֶר פָּנִים יָפוֹת
“Shammai used to say: … receive all with a pleasant countenance.”
However, Shammai’s advice is of limited utility if we rarely see those with whom we share a neighborhood.
Knowing and interacting with neighbors can be hard, unless, of course, dogs are involved. Dog owners and their canines know their doggie pals, though some of my dog-loving friends admit that while they know the names of their neighbors’ dogs, they don’t know their fellow owners’ names. But still, they create a naturally occurring mini-community. Small talk can eventually evolve into more significant connections, but even if it never gets beyond the level of loving each other’s dogs, it is a social lubricant.
The rest of us need to work at it, swimming upstream against many societal trends that drive isolation.
Take TV, around since the 1950s. While we have branched out to other types of content television, average Americans spend 4.7 hours of their discretionary time every day glued to one screen or another. That leaves less time for interacting with neighbors.
Likewise, back in the days when folks sat on their front stoops, they connected without making a conscious effort to do so. Air-conditioning was rolled out in the 1950s and ’60s, and significantly decreased the time folks spent outdoors. Some people did start seeing more of their neighbors when COVID forced us to interact outside; patio fire pits invited connection. Let’s not wait for the next pandemic to connect.
American privatism has also eroded neighborly instincts. Back when my husband David broke his leg and required surgery, he was transported home from the hospital via ambulette. He was in a thigh-to-toe cast in a house with lots of stairs, which wasn’t easy. A few days into the drama, I saw my next-door neighbor in the driveway and updated him about David’s bike accident. I was flabbergasted when he reported, “Oh, yes. I did see that he came home via ambulette, but I didn’t want to intrude.” Get over it, folks! If your neighbor comes home in an ambulette, do not stand on ceremony. Offers to help are not intrusive; they are what good neighbors do.
After several generations of living without neighborly chit-chat, how do we create new habits of meeting and connecting with our neighbors? It can feel awkward.
One method is old-fashioned: Introduce yourself. Strike up a conversation. Offer a hand with some outdoor chore, or to take in mail or packages when neighbors vacation. Do you garden? Knock on the door and offer some of your harvest. Invite your neighbors for hot chocolate in your sukkah. Offer babysitting or dog care.
I love it when my near neighbor, Rabbi Shawn Zevit, texts me to ask, “Can I pick anything up for you at the Coop?”
My neighbors took the initiative in connecting by creating a text group. We now have one another’s names and cellphone numbers at the ready. Somebody texts they have extra cake to share. Or asks: Can anyone lend a tool? They organize potlucks, and they regularly reported on a neighbor who sadly was moved to a hospice. Suzanne, z”l, had befriended so many on the street they dubbed her “The Mayor.”
Are you headed to the store? I love it when my near neighbor, Rabbi Shawn Zevit, texts me to ask, “Can I pick anything up for you at the Coop?” We share a compost pickup with another neighbor since neither of us can fill a five-gallon bucket each week.
Hopefully, we won’t need to be hidden by our neighbors, but you never know. And perhaps, we’ll need to hide them. Who knows?
Until this recent neighborhood organizing, I had only met neighbors when there was a problem that affected us all, squatters living in a vacant house. Don’t wait for a problem to arise. Proactively generate positive connections.
Anyone who knows Jewish history of Nazi Germany has read about neighbors and friends who protected Jews. Hopefully, we won’t need to be hidden by our neighbors, but you never know. And perhaps we’ll need to hide them. Who knows? It all starts with knowing who they are and making sure there is ongoing communication.
Being responsible citizens helps support our democracy. Looking out for our neighbors is bedrock. It takes a bit of effort, but the reward is that it makes us all safer, and we are better together.
